Still

/ sunnyrap

Your body is yours now – your skin stretches
comfortably around its heights and its
depths, its hills and crevices, the scars of
old, the sights, the colours, the smells, all
that you have absorbed in your life –
the joy and the pain.
Your soul nestles within – it even
purrs at times.
You breathe.
 

But still,
there are moments.
When darkness beckons and your soul
trembles; when you feel jagged and hollow, like
a bottomless void, a continent with howling
winds and dark storms, sheer cliffs and
parched deserts, wild animals that
roam hungry, icy crevasses where
no light can reach.
 

Perhaps this is how it was at
the beginning, when you lay
shrouded in darkness, and raged
against the dying light, the
confined space, the relentless thump
of your mother’s heartbeat, an
echo of things to come.
 

There are moments.
 

I am sorry, you say, yet again.
I am sorry for my darkness and the sharp
jagged edges that claw sometimes and
draw blood. I am sorry I
hurt you again.
I try to smooth them daily, buff
them, polish them to smooth
oblivion, but sometimes
it doesn’t work.
 

I hate hurting you, I say –
I hate feeling
like this.
 

Talk to yourself as you would to
someone you love, you
heard someone say.
 

But what if this is how you speak
to the ones you love? You
hurt them the most.
 

What chance do you have
then?

 

68 thoughts on “Still”

    • Many thanks – and you’re right – it is absolutely a journey, and a difficult one at times – a reminder that our lives are not always linear. take care.

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  19. WOW! I just started my blog chaoticparadigm7.wordpress.com and this came in the suggested blogs. I MUST say, very impressive. 🙂 🙂 Keep it up!

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  31. This is beautiful, and I can relate to the last part so well. Sometimes I internalize my thoughts and am feeling so down about myself, I don’t realize I take it out on others, especially those I care about most. I think as long as you realize how you are reacting, it’s something you can work on and move forward from.
    -L

    Reply

    • So beautifully put – thank you Lauren. I read a quote once also that if you truly loved yourself you could never hurt another – I think there’s some truth in that. PMS is not my friend also : ) But yes – very much aware of my foibles and always working to improve – it’s especially painful to hurt the ones you love most.

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  46. Thank you so much to each and every one of you – your comments and feedback are much appreciated and I’m touched again that something so personal has resonated with you. Thank you again. x

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  54. I love the way you have put it but I don’t agree with the idea I believe behind the brightest smiles lies the darkest pain. I hate myself for somethings but it doesn’t stop me from treating others good. I treat others well as a redemption of my sins. PS- love the way words conflict between lines:)

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